Fancy a Free Meal? Really!
Sunday 19 June is Barter Day at Hummus Bros who are offering free meals in exchange for donations to Cancer Research UK. Those donations could be:
Clothes
DVDs
Books
Homeware
On Sunday, just take your unwanted items into the Wardour Street branch of Hummus Bros where you can haggle the value of your possessions with staff from the Marylebone Cancer Research UK shop. Vouchers will then be given out matching the value – two or three good quality donations should be enough for a completely free meal!
Barter Day runs from midday to 6pm on Sunday 19 June at Hummus Bros, 88 Wardour Street, Soho, W1F 0TH and all quality donations will be accepted. To get directions, see their mouthwatering menu and see what journos thought of the cuisine see the Hummus Bros website.
With Barter Day, Hummus Bros continues to offer unprecedented value while being socially and environmentally responsible – keeping your conscience and tummy happy.
So why not get a few things together and meet other likeminded diners on Sunday …
Val Reynolds Brown, Editor
Are you a Winner? Beauty Show Tickets
The New You Beauty Show will be held on Sunday 19th June 11am – 5pm
in the Hertford Theatre.
There’ll be Raffles, Goody Bags, Makeovers, Competitions.
The winners of the pairs of entry tickets worth £10 are:
K Dilley, Langford
L Evans, Welwyn Garden City
A Woolveridge, Stevenage
Congratulations and enjoy your day!
Val Reynolds Brown, Editor
Grow your Own Veg in a Town Garden
Growing veg in a town garden - my mixture
It isn’t difficult to grow your own veg in a town garden but you do need to have a realistic expectation of success and ways of avoiding disaster. So where do you go to get really reliable information on how to grow veg?
I think tv programmes don’t always provide the real picture and give a false expectation to the whole subject. Do you remember Jo Swift transforming an allotment into a perfect vegetable plot on that top viewing show Gardeners’ World? What they didn’t tell you there was an army of helpers to clear and weed the plot. I reckon they must have used some kind of weed killer to destroy the horsetail, a plant that is usually very, very hard to eradicate. Then there was GroundForce – just how did they get rid of those serious weeds in such a short time before planting up? What I want is reality and how problems are overcome, not a smooth, problem free entertainment show with perfect results. Having said that I have found a whole load of excellent short BBC videos. The one about growing potatoes in bags on your patio is particularly good.
More realistic are books giving reliable advice from experience and two gardeners I both admire and respect are Carole Klein and Anna Pavord. Both write in a most accessible way.
But for me the most inspirational book is The Edible Garden by Alys Fowler. I find her down to earth approach to growing veg in her tv programmes and books very appealing and resonates with my own experience.
My failures include newly planted cabbage and lettuce seedlings decimated within a day of planting by voracious slugs. Yes I used organic slug pellets and the dreaded beer traps, but somehow there was always a wayward specimen on the prowl and we never did get to eat any lettuce or cabbage that wet summer. My husband used to collect the slugs and throw them into the hedge across the road reasoning that the hedge was better cover for them and if they did venture across the road the chances were they would be run over. Well that was the theory although the slug numbers didn’t seem to drop.
The only solution that has ever worked for me is to use self adhesive copper strip attached to plastic bottles with the tops and bottoms cut off. It does mean a lot of work to begin with, but the containers can be used for years if you use reasonably thick plastic. If mine break up I remove the copper strip and reuse it as it is fairly expensive.
I have had great success with brassicas for the first time ever. In the past I have given up on growing any kind of cabbage because pigeons systematically stripped the cabbage seedlings. So this year I covered the area with fleece. Then as the plants grew I removed that and put netting over them, which works. I forgot to cover this one.
Kale decimated by pigeon
What has worked well for me so far this year
Seeds that germinated easily, that is to say fast and profusely!
- Leeks & Onions – not having sown these before I wasn’t sure what to expect. They germinated quite quickly and came up ‘broken’ but gradually straightened out. They were quite floppy though as seedlings.
Leek seedlings
- Parsley – I add the leaves to veg/fruit when I use the juice extractor as parsley has such a good reputation for providing valuable vitamins. It is an annual though so be prepared to resow every year and don’t rely on seed from those plants, the growers are really good at making them sterile so you have to buy new every year. However I do let some plants go to seed and add them to stews for flavour in winter
- Par-cel – a cross between parsley and celery, the plants are doing well, good to add to salads, stir fries, even stews
Par-cel, excellent garnish and addition to veggie smoothies
-
Mizuna, used in salads and stir fries
Mizuna – can be used in salads and stir fries
- Kale – the purple leafy kind
The broad beans have been very successful. I received this advice from Sine Chesterman, our gardening guru:
Pinch off the tops once you see the first beans forming on the lower stem. This stops blackfly colonising the tops of the beans and hence working their way down and ruining the crop. We used to give the tops to our goats (who love the whole plant) but when our last goat died and we didn’t replenish, we ate the leaves ourselves. Boiled with a little salt, strained and warmed with a little pepper and butter – superb.
Another tip I received was to be sure to water the beans regularly – just at the base. I added mulch thickly round them as well to retain moisture and to keep the plants from going through the stress of drought which results in stunted/slow growth and poorer crops.
One new herb I sowed from Suttons is Stevia. The seeds germinated quickly. Once the plants are about 4 inches high the leaves can be used to sweeten drinks – one leaf per cup. I will be experimenting with the leaves in baking and cooking. The seed packet came with recipes.
Copper strip used to deter slugs - it works
I put some wooden frames together and sowed carrots, beetroot, spring onions and large onions with a fleece cover, a system that has worked very well. I like the frames, they give protection from wind and put off insects. On the outside of the frame containing the salad stuff I’ve added copper strip to deter the slugs.
I’ve sown some climbing beans in the same way as from experience slugs absolutely love them. I like to see the flowers moving in the wind on the bamboo wigwams. When the beans were first introduced to Europe in the 1400s they were grown just for their flowers, I’m not sure how quickly the beans were found to be good to eat. A big advantage of purple beans I found is they are highly visible and quick to pick.
Poor results
The only real disappointment were the first purple dwarf french beans sown. Out of four rows only three beans germinated, I assume mice got the rest. To reduce the risk of mice getting the seed I sowed more beans in loo roll centres in the conservatory, like I did for the broad beans. They quickly germinated in the warm weather.
I have had a lot more success this year by spot targetting plants reusing milk containers with an adjustable tap. See article
To encourage germination of my fruit I deliberately sow seeds of plants attractive to bees and other pollinating insects throughout the garden:
- borage
- pot marigolds
- love in the mist
- cosmos
- foxgloves
- daises
- violas
- thyme
- pansies
- forget me nots
My seed suppliers:
By the way www.ourfrontgarden.com is the website we write about the ongoing renovation and care of a front garden in a garden city
Val Reynolds Brown, Editor
Positive Feedback for Young Car Drivers and Cheaper Car Insurance
Suburban Boy racer
With young car drivers aged 17-21 being the highest risk category for accidents it’s no surprise that cheaper car insurance is a top priority.
General advice on reducing car insurance premiums includes
- Taking a Pass Plus course
- Having a car alarm fitted
- Parking the vehicle in an off road site
However we think the BEST SOLUTION is the nifty new technological system available from the “one-stop-shop” for young car drivers, Intelligent Marmalade, which provides the greatest chance of more affordable premiums as well as improving safety and skills on the road.
The system is installed in cars purchased on the revolutionary cashback-combined-with-insurance scheme offered by Young Marmalade. It monitors the driving skills of the young person behind the wheel in order to prove good driving practice.
Using the system young drivers are able to review their own driving proficiency. An added incentive to encourage the young driver to take care on the road is the insurance premium for the second year is fixed at the outset, eliminating the unpleasant prospect of increasing premiums.
Nick Moger, founder of Young Marmalade realises youngsters may initially be wary of Intelligent Marmalade because it could be seen as a spying eye – a sort of ‘black box’ which records their every move in the car. But he is certain sensible young people soon realise the benefits of using the system in reducing their risk assessment as far as insurance policies go.
The way Intelligent Marmalade works is that with the system installed in the car the scheme managers, young driver him/herself, and the parents are able to access the Ingenium Dynamics website to review records of journeys made, and thereby assess any risks that may arise, address possible hazardous driving techniques, and generally ensure the young driver is staying safe on the road. It all aids in improving the individual’s driving skills and reducing his/her risk profile as far as insurance goes. It goes a long way to reassure parents too which has to be a huge plus feature. It also adds to the debate on how to drive economically and reduce fuel usage.
This really is the most positive initiative we have ever seen to ensure reduced risk for youngsters on the road and reduced insurance costs.
We can’t see any reason why it shouldn’t be made generally available – after all organisations with a mobile workforce are being encouraged to install the devices, why not the general public? I know a few drivers who would really benefit from having one in their vehicles … no names of course!
Val Reynolds Brown, Editor
Zumba! Zumba! Everybody’s Doing It!
Zumba! Zumba! Class in Welwyn Garden City, Gosling Sports Park
Zumba, a fitness programme inspired by Latin dance, is the newest, hottest way to keep fit. You can attend zumba classes, buy zumba dvds, there’s even zumba on wii and of course there is a range of zumba clothing to choose from
Janet Hamer writes about the Zumba class she attends in Hatfield to keep fit
We baby-boomers never miss a trick to keep ahead of the game, always on the alert for something new to help maintain our ageless bodies. So, bored with the gym which had achieved little except provide me with something else to moan about, I turned up at the studio on Monday morning. Feeling quite nervous as well as excited, I must admit.
I should have taken my cue from the faces of the other women gradually filing in. Did they look excited? No, on the whole they looked more like people walking into the dentists’, resigned but tense. Then the instructor rushed in and we all sidled reluctantly into the centre of the room. After a cheery greeting, we were off – step, step, step, kick, step, step, step, kick. Wow! This looks simple, I thought, and relaxed a bit. The Latin-American rhythm started to work its way into my bones, and I began to dance for the first time for years. The routine seemed pretty simple, and the insistent beat lifted my mood. I became a bit more daring, actually waving my arms in the air, trying for a bit of “attitude” while my legs rushed this way and that. I even noticed some of the words of the song “And a cha cha cha, and a woo woo woo!” I remember this – this is fun! I thought, and that was when I caught sight of my mother in the floor to ceiling mirror.
Face as red as an embarrassed tomato, her expression deeply worried, she was going through the motions of the dance, but the legs which had felt like Madonna’s bore more resemblance to the trunks of the trees outside, and while the arms were certainly waving enthusiastically to the beat, the bingo wings beneath were doing their own thing. Horrified by what I was seeing, my concentration went flying – and so did I, catching the sole of one trainer underneath the other, I tumbled less than gracefully onto the floor. I scrambled to my feet as fast as I could, desperate not only to avoid attracting attention, but also to reduce the chances of being trampled on by the sideways-moving hordes of women, all staring grimly ahead at the instructor for fear of losing their place in the routine.
With a fixed smile to show that I really didn’t care that I’d just made a fool of myself, I rejoined the class, at which point I became aware that something had happened to my legs, which were feeling as if someone had encased them in concrete. I glanced up at the clock, then stared incredulously as it surely couldn’t be right. Only 10 minutes into the class? Another 50 to go?
“Right, ladies, you’ve had your warm-up. Now we’re into the serious workout!” shouted the instructor. She turned on the next track, doubled the volume, and the serious stuff began. At this point genuine doubt set in as to whether I’d make it to the end of this class, or be carried out on a stretcher. Deceptively simple dance steps became a nightmare at four times a comfortable speed and I was reduced to walking through the motions, or even just shifting my weight from foot to foot. Occasionally we were told to shout out or sing, but all my breath was directed towards keeping me conscious, mouth opening and closing like a large cod singing the Hallelujah Chorus.
Just when I knew I couldn’t keep going any longer, it seemed we were into the home strait, ten minutes of slowing the heart-rate and stretching out our poor limbs. The relief of having actually survived was intense, and helped provide the momentum to get out of the building and to the car.
At home again, I checked my reflection for signs of imminent heart failure, unable to believe that exercise so extreme – by my standards – could have left me still intact. But by the evening I was still in the land of the living, and starting to feel just a little bit smug. And as I arranged my aching limbs in bed that night, a tune was replaying in my head, “And a cha cha cha, and a woo woo woo”….
Eight months later, and I’m a regular zumba-goer. Incredibly, I don’t seem to have lost any weight, but my glutes (that’s bottom muscles for those who aren’t au fait with these things) are firm and to the delight of my GP, my BP reading is down 20 points! If you feel like giving it a try, you won’t have to look far as zumba classes are starting up in gyms, healthclubs and school halls everywhere.
Just don’t look in the mirror.
Feature written by Janet Hamer, contributing author
What is zumba
- Zumba is a dance fitness program created by dancer and choreographer Alberto “Beto” Perez in Colombia in the 1990s
- Zumba music is based on salsa, merengue, cumbia, reggaeton and other international music styles and forms
Where can I learn?
- Zumba classes are offered through licensed instructors in more than 110,000 locations in over 125 countries
- Dvds are available for learning at home.
Do I need special clothing?
- No, just wear loose fitting, comfortable casual clothing
- Zumba shoes might be a consideration if you get serious – note heel feature
Zumba shoes
Photography by Pintail Media taken at Gosling Sports Centre, Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire
All images were taken at a Zumba class to illustrate this feature It is not the class attended by the writer of this article
See video clips of the class:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=QK919GM7TBA
and http://gallery.me.com/valpintail#100036 on your mobile
or on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Olfgy7idFfU&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL
Contact Karen at zumbakaren@hotmail.co.uk or go to her website for details of classes
E.coli Worries – Prevention better than Cure
Use a sterilising solution to wash any salad to offset possible E.coli contamination
Practising food safety at a time when E.coli is a potential threat is common sense. Generally you are advised to thoroughly wash and rinse fresh fruit and vegetables.
We were always advised to take precautions against e.coli when we travelled abroad on holiday and especially when camping because of contamination from mud picked up – remember Glastonbury a year or so ago, public toilets and shared facilities. So we always took sterilising tablets purchased from the chemist to wash fruit and vegetables, to sterilise drinking water and to wash our hands.
When I was on a trek in Nepal after a visit to the toilet tent we had to wash our hands in a bowl of water coloured red with added potassium permanganate that acted as a sterlising solution.
We used Milton sterilising tablets when babies’ health was a consideration – a recent feature in The Guardian mentions that to be good advice.
We also read about Veggi Wash, made from edible fruit compounds but powerful enough to wipe E.coli off the surface of a cucumber, tomato or other fruit and veg. Wash for two minutes and rinse off. You are advised to dry the vegetables and keep in the fridge.
Of course, nothing will work if you don’t practise basic hygiene which is washing your hands thoroughly – especially your thumbs – after going to the toilet. And washing your hands before you prepare and eat food is of course, absolutely imperative.
E.coli is too serious to risk.
Val Reynolds Brown Editor
Peace and Tranquility in County Durham
Durham Cathedral from the embankment of the River Wear
A surprisingly peaceful break from the rush and bustle of London at any time of year
Durham is just three hours from London on the train. There for the first time in September we were due to specifically experience some of the events arranged for Peace and Tranquillity Week and we were seduced by the city’s atmosphere and eclectic architecture. Small but perfectly formed was a description that sprang to mind.
We were bowled over by the centuries old city centre with its cobbled streets, mysterious alleys – referred to as vennels – home to quirky shops and off beat craftspeople. Beautiful bridges, the reflections of the cathedral in the river, a castle that has been in continuous use for 900 years.
View of Cathedral from Crook Hall, an architectural gem
One architectural gem we discovered in Durham was Crook Hall. A few minutes walk from the city centre this medieval building with eleven themed gardens in four acres, is perched on a hill overlooking the cathedral.
A popular venue for keen gardeners, the gardens are a joy. 300 year old pear trees grow on the southern walls of the oldest buildings, they were originally planted to ward off disease and have fruited for all that time. An ongoing programme of events at the Hall for all ages is listed on their website.
We wanted to see more of Durham but ran out of time and instead went onto Teesdale about 25 miles south west from Durham.
We stayed in Northside Farm Retreat near Barnard Castle. Northside Farm is in the process of developing as a centre for visitors to chill out and participate in courses such as tai chi, meditation, yoga. Access to a 14 metre swimming pool with sauna and steam room offers a relaxing environment.
There is a self-contained cottage that sleeps 6. Very well appointed, it had everything needed to make our stay very comfortable indeed, that included the dishwasher, which gave my husband a welcome rest from sink duty!
Gail and her husband Adrian have achieved a huge amount in the short time they have lived there and Gail’s ambition now is to grow lavender on the 100 acre farm.
Nearby was Barnard Castle once the ancient capital of Teesdale. Now a lively market town with a very long high street it has a weekly Wednesday market and the occasional farmers market on Saturdays.
The River Tees runs through Barnard Castle, Co Durham
Last inhabited in 1630 and much raided for materials to build in the area, Barnard Castle itself is now a beautiful ruin with wonderful views of the countryside and the river Tees. Turner was inspired to paint it.
On the edge of the town a most beautiful building in the style of a French chateau is Bowes Museum. Famous for one of the finest art collections in the country, it opened to the public in 1892 and has the most comprehensive collection of historic clothing and decorative arts in the UK.
Tai Chi in the grounds of Bowes Museum, Co Durham
One of the eighteen events in the Peace and Tranquility week on offer was Tai Chi tuition at Bowes Museum. Two groups worked in unison in front of the museum, a memorable experience in such beautiful surroundings. A couple of beginners were surprised and pleased to find they experienced a sense of wellbeing during the session. Our roast beef Sunday lunch at the restaurant was absolutely excellent with an excellent red wine. Followed by an absolutely fab creme brulee … we couldn’t ask for a better finish to our visit.
One of the locations for our painting tuition, Co Durham
Another group activity we joined was a two hour painting tuition session with Brian Brown who with a wry humour steered the event along with consummate ease and was able to coax interesting creative results from the group, each with different levels of expertise. He runs similar courses in Durham and France.
Stanhope Agricultural Show, Co Durham
By sheer chance we came across an agricultural show in Stanhope. It was outstanding in what it offered in two days, from dog obedience, welsh ponies, donkeys and hunters, open sulky racing, cossack trick riding and much more on Saturday. Sunday included Clydesdale horses, side saddle, bale pulling competition, wife carrying competition … and on it went. Astoundingly these shows are held all over Teesdale and are enormously popular. We loved it, a very friendly and happy event.
About 15 miles north east of Durham we made a visit to Seaham Hall, the leading luxury hotel and spa resort in Northern England which culminated in a wonderful massage in its Serenity Spa. Linked to the hotel by an intriguing underground walkway, The Serenity Spa, designed by Jocelyn Maxfield, has won a string of international awards and has become one of the UK’s top destination spas as voted by Best Spa for Style by The Sunday Times and Best UK Spa Destination by Conde Nast Traveller.
African decorative art, Seaham Hall, Co Durham
The decor of the four star Michelin Hotel is a fusion of East and West and takes most visitors by surprise. We were quite taken with the airiness and space given to the whole property and the signature pieces of antique and artisan decorative art. In fact a very similar feel and style to the world famous Saxon Hotel in Johannesberg.
Afternoon tea was a magnificent end to our visit, finger sandwiches, good strong coffee, delicious tea, sausage rolls to die for and we won’t go on about the cakes except they were plentiful and delightful!
Seaham Beach, Co Durham
You can join the Durham Heritage Coastal Walk at Seaham where the beach is sandy, great for kids. The Coastal Walk goes from Sunderland to Hartlepool but you can leave your car in the car park at the end of Lord Byron’s Walk and meander south as far as you desire. The coast has had a lot of investment to restore its natural beauty from the devastation of industrial use throughout the twentieth century.
We seized the opportunity to join an hour of photographic tuition on Seaham beach with Graeme Peacock a well known photographer in the North, who was absolutely excellent – he runs similar courses throughout the year, full details are on his website.
Raby Castle was open free of charge on the Sunday we visited, as part of Heritage Open Day. The grounds were dotted with herds of deer, cattle and sheep and we were able to wander down the paths at will. The gardens were beautiful particularly the ponds and some ancient yew hedges. There is a splendid tearoom and shop. Events are arranged through the year, details on their website,
Magnificent Yew Hedge at Raby Castle, Co Durham
Our last evening was spent at Headlam Hall, a rather beautiful 17th century country house with beautiful gardens surrounded by rolling farmland. We crammed in a lot in the time we had and we really wanted to stay longer.
With substantial financial investment in the spa it attracts members both locally and further afield. Opened three years ago they have five full time therapists and one student trainee offer an impressive range of treatments. Membership includes access to the gym and swimming pool.
We loved the warm welcome and friendly atmosphere of the staff and stayed for dinner in the Orangery. The food was absolutely excellent, from the tiny appetizer cup of leek and potato soup, through to the chocolate creme brulee. Restraint flew out of the window and we toasted the meal with a glass of champagne! Very highly rated, it was a wonderful end to an excellent five day stay in County Durham.
There is so much to see and explore in County Durham but we particularly wanted to see much more of Teesdale. High Force, a waterfall with the highest unbroken fall of water, 21 metres, in England. Great practice for photographers! It’s the beginning of the wilder area of the Pennines and one we want to see on our next visit.
Of course events don’t just happen in the Peace and Tranquillity week, have look at the Visit County Durham website for programme details. Why not visit next year? Or before that if you can’t wait for a real treat – we can’t!
WEBSITES
Visit County Durham www.visitcountydurham.com
Crook Hall www.crookhall.co.uk
Teesdale www.teesdalediscovery.com
BrianBrown http://myspace.virgin.net/brianbrown.uk/durham.htm
Northside Farm Retreat www.northsidefarmretreat.co.uk
Raby Castle www.rabycastle.com/HOD.htm
Graeme Peacock www.graeme-peacock.com
Seaham Hall and Spa www.seaham-hall.co.uk
Durham Heritage Coast www.durhamheritagecoast.org
Headlam Hall www.headlamhall.co.uk
Stanhope Agricultural Show www.stanhopeshow.com
All photography copyright © Pintail Media
Living with an Alcoholic
The effects of alcoholism affects family and friends
Alcoholism is an addiction and whether you suffer from the effects of alcohol yourself, or alcohol dependence, or you are living with an alcoholic, who is your husband or wife, or partner, your life can become a living hell
The stress of living with alcoholics affects your close and extended family, friends and work colleagues Children are particularly badly stressed by parental behaviour It takes time to learn how to live with an alcoholic Symptoms of alcoholism include irrational, unpredictable, erratic behaviour gradually becoming the norm
Wendy – not her real name – wrote this painful account of the years she spent living with an alcoholic husband
When your life falls apart, it isn’t always sudden
When you look back you realise that the process has been playing itself out over years, maybe decades, but the demands and familiar routines of daily life have blinded us to the subtle little changes. Few people who’ve been through it can say with certainty “Yes, that was when it all began”. And this is how it can happen that the brilliant, loving young man who was your best friend, constant companion and husband for years can become a bitter, self-obsessed alcoholic under your eyes, without your realising what’s going on until it’s far too late
My husband and I met at school, and married straight after he graduated from Cambridge, aged 21 and 19. He went on to complete a PhD, then took a job in the City – probably a mistake which was to determine the course of the rest of his life. His great passion was for History, but the lure of huge salaries and bonuses was irresistible to a young man who’d been brought up in a household where money was always very tight. Very naïve, neither of us appreciated that similarly huge pressures go along with huge salaries, nor did we know what harm is done when someone turns their back on something they love
Forced by lack of money to abandon my own degree so as to support Michael through his PhD, I took a low grade job in the Civil Service, but progressed up the career ladder there until we decided that it was now or never time to start a family. There was never any question in those days about whose job would be sacrificed to the care of the children
City life took over. By now working in merchant banking, notorious for its dramas and deadlines, Michael was swept up in the whole culture, where working days always included long lunches with wine and brandy and rarely finished before 7.00 in the evening. He was seldom home early in the evening and as the children got older it became the norm for me to be the sole parent at school events, parents’ evenings, etc. Gradually I came to welcome this, as it was much easier to cope with these events alone than with an unpredictable husband still reeking of wine and with an uncertain temper. This sparked frequent rows when I urged him to rethink his city career for the sake of the family, but the inevitable response was to attack me for enjoying the perks that came with his job. I began to dread his return from work
No doubt onlookers thought we had an idyllic life – large house in an affluent area, new cars, holiday house – but real life was a constant struggle to maintain normality as Michael’s drinking habits became more intrusive. Then his brilliant career came to an abrupt halt with a totally unexpected redundancy. Though he quickly found another job, it lasted less than two years. Unable to cope with the gradual loss of his professional identity, he must then have begun to resort to drinking secretly as he tried desperately to make a living from a variety of different enterprises, working from home
By then I was trying to get into the job market, but I was hampered by my lack of qualifications and by the lifestyle we’d built around us. Michael, who still maintained his public ‘persona’, resisted strongly any attempts to change the way we lived. Loans were negotiated to keep us afloat. By now his state of mind was clearly becoming unstable, and I was terrified of disturbing it even further by questioning his capabilities. I found part-time work to fit around school hours – a bit of money coming in but nothing compared with the huge monthly demands of mortgage, heating, etc
Though he was clearly drinking to some extent at home, he never appeared drunk but was becoming a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde character. In the morning he was the Michael I’d known all my life, caring and rational. By lunchtime he was usually asleep, and when woken was hostile and abusive. Frequently he got into his car and disappeared for hours. Any hopes of asking him to take over responsibility for the children’s transport were clearly doomed as his mood swings and ability to drive worsened. When eventually persuaded to seek medical help, depression was diagnosed and Prozac prescribed
From then on the slide downhill to total chaos and nightmare was unstoppable. Fits, terrifying hallucinations when I and the children feared for our safety as well as his own, loss of our family home which had sheltered us for 21 years, and then loss of his driving licence which drove him further into despair. By then the doctors recognised alcoholism as being the main problem, but Michael paid only lip service to their attempts to help him. His hostility towards me deepened – presumably because I was still just about functioning normally as I struggled to hold the family together – and he played no part in the life of the family, sleeping most of the day, waking only to eat and to seek targets for his tongue. Frequently at our wits end, it was easy to see how easily such situations progress to violence. Friends couldn’t understand why I didn’t take over financial control, but how? He was still a rational person when he spoke to banks and solicitors; no one could remove from him his legal rights, his credit cards, without absolute proof that he was incapable of acting for himself. House, bank account, everything was in joint names. Everyone was powerless to help me
Over a year later, in complete desperation, I asked for a separation in the hope that it would drive him to try to sort himself out, but instead it drove him further into depression, for which his family never forgave me. Eighteen months later he died, alone
This was supposed to be an account of how I became a therapist, but I think and hope it will have served a better purpose if it helps others to understand the appalling difficulties faced by huge numbers of families worldwide. When I look back, it’s the fear and the loneliness that I remember. I can only imagine Michael’s thoughts
Author’s identity withheld. Readers’ communications will be passed on via the editor.
Thank you for your response. ✨
We found some websites offering support:
NHS Support
Support for Families and Friends
Val Reynolds Brown, Editor
Two readers responded to Wendy’s article:
Your article Living with Alcoholism sent shivers up my spine. I could relate to it so well. My late husband was sadly an alcoholic, and life was a living hell, I was so relieved there were no children involved. However, when he died in January 2003 I felt so confused, as part of me felt a huge burden lifting and part of me grieved for the person I had loved. It has taken me almost nine years to overcome this emotional turmoil. Thank you for In Balance Magazine. B S.
Thank you for writing that sad story. My daughter’s partner is an alcoholic and she and he and their lovely one year old daughter want to move in with me. I have a good post code near good schools. They want me to build a two storey extension. I spent a lot of time working in a voluntary capacity with alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people and enjoyed everything I did, but I didn’t want to bring one home. In 1971 I brought a drug addict home for Christmas. It was very hard work and I am not sure who it helped. Having good memories is a wonderful thing. You are your poor children. The great god money lured him on. And the peer group pressure. What a pity he didn’t dry out. I will not have an alcoholic living here. Good luck with your hard won freedom. I wish you happiness and joy. VF
A reader with an alcoholic husband of 11 years wrote in asking for help. Here is the advice received from the author of the article:
The only organisation I can recommend is called Al-Anon, and it’s the sister organisation to Alcoholics Anonymous. Their helpline number is 020 7403 0888 and should be open till 10pm at night. Email enquiries to enquiries@al-anonuk.org.uk
Al-Anon operates via regular meetings run by the relatives of alcoholics, and basically it works by reassuring people that they’re not on their own, and sharing experiences. It doesn’t sound like much but if you’re desperate, it helps just to know there’s somewhere you can go and get it all off your chest, knowing that everyone will understand. Also, other people in similar situations often come up with suggestions for coping with day to day problems. I think your reader should definitely give it a try, preferably a few tries as it takes a while to get used to the set-up and relax.
Surviving a Hospital Stay
A planted wildflower meadow in Anjou
When the doctor mentioned the possibility of a pacemaker. I was shocked into silence.
I had made an appointment to see the doctor because the palpitations I usually experienced from the effects of arrythmia had become stronger, my legs ached, my back ached and I was getting concerned.
So I asked the doctor if she could check me out in some way. She said an ECG would be the first step. The results showed I had a two second pause between some heartbeats and she told me to go straight to the A&E for a check up. She wrote a letter to take with me.
To say my husband was startled when I told him we were to go straight to the hospital is an understatement – I thought it wisest not to mention the possible pacemaker.
I was admitted to the Cardiac Care Unit and joined three other women with varying heart conditions. Janet was overweight with a family history of heart disease, but that didn’t stop her eating cream cakes and crisps that her friends and family brought her. A subsequent angiogram showed she needed a triple bypass and was duly shipped off to Harefield.
Sheila had an inherited genetic heart condition and was in increasingly greater pain as the days passed. She was still waiting to go to Harefield after three weeks.
Joyce had a dangerous clot and found to have too high a level of cholesterol and was down for a pacemaker but she discharged herself as unable to face the surgery.
Susan was brought in with a suspected heart attack, had a bad night in the ward with an asthma attack and a chronic migraine. She was taken to Harefield that morning.
And me? Well after three days of blood tests – one result showed I had a magnesium deficiency and I had a transfusion which had an immediate positive effect. I had my computer with me and looking up the symptoms of magnesium deficiency saw that the symptoms were very similar to heart disturbance – palpitations, aching muscles … However, as they were still concerned I was transferred to a ward in a holding to wait for an angiogram.
The ward was populated by geriatrics. I’m 68 and I was the youngest patient. I have to say several younger patients were admitted a few days later, but they didn’t stay long. I had a five day wait before an angiogram could be arranged.
For those five days I experienced a different world. Most of our time was organised by hospital routines. My fellow inmates were a forlorn crowd.
Mary, born 1927, in the bed opposite me, was massive, diabetic, constantly eating goodies her son and daughter brought her. Disliked most of the food on the menu, at least she said she disliked them but I discovered she had never eaten pizza, spaghetti bolognaise, or lasagne, but actively disliked them. Used to having carers visiting her twice a day she had become virtually inactive. She could not walk, was doubly incontinent, constantly wanted the commode, and needed, she said, her bottom wiped which one orderly refused to do, saying We don’t do that kind of thing, you must help yourself.
Mary was constantly at war with the staff, dropping much of food on the floor, needing her incontinence pads changing, From what she told me she had had a dispiriting life with no ambition or incentive to strive for much. At 83 she didn’t have much to look forward to I guess.
Referred to as Ethel by the staff, my fellow patient on my left was constantly telling the staff that her name was Mary. On getting to know her, she was a 90 year old with a strong will to live. She had practised hatha yoga most of her adult life although she no longer had sufficient strength to continue. She did however practise tai chi sitting up in bed which kept us amused, she inspired Mary opposite to try it! We must have looked funny sitting up waving our arms about with very serious faces!
Gwendoline in the corner was not at all well and we were all concerned that she was not allowed anything at all to drink or eat for several days. Her pleadings for water were increasingly hard to bear.
Then in the room opposite a woman who was in constant pain called out day and night for her daddy, her lovely George, or her mother. It was hard to bear too and we were relieved when her door was closed when medical care was administered.
Visitors in the general ward fluctuated for each patient, from one a day to about ten twice a day. Some visits were very amusing. When confined to bed for long periods of time there are things you need to be done for you that aren’t expected to be done by nurses or ward assistants. The main one concerns teeth, or at least the replacement, false teeth. These need frequent brushing and it falls to the visitors to sort this out. I noticed it was more frequently performed by sons and husbands. The women were more likely to feed the patients.
Sleeping at night was difficult to achieve. Lights were dimmed by 9 pm after final drugs were administered and blood pressures taken. After a day or so I got used to the earliness. But I had to draw the curtains round the bed to reduce the light level and put in ear plugs to deaden the sound of snoring, calling out, buzzers, and one night a nurse who ignored the footwear requirements and tapped his way round the ward in his hard soled shoes. Another night one patient had a five hour conversation with an imaginary companion.
We were woken at 6.00 am for breakfast. I was surprised the choice was white bread, margarine, jam, high sugar and salt cereal. None of which are generally considered to be good quality food. My husband brought in oatcakes, fresh juice, hardboiled eggs, low fat yogurt and green tea bags to keep me going.
I have to say the bed was fab. Endlessly adjustable using a little control pad, it could support you sitting up at any angle, support your legs at the knees, and could go quite low and quite high. One adventurous lady put hers so high, at least 5 foot off the ground, that she was in danger of falling off in fright! About six nurses came running in to help.
My laptop kept me sane. I managed to do a fair amount of writing and could access the internet on a different floor so at least I kept on top of my emails. I managed to review several dvds and more than a few books.
Many patients were suffering from mental ailments and really didn’t know where they were or what they were doing. I have to admire the patience and understanding of all the staff who were unfailingly kind and supportive.
After nine days of waiting I finally had the angiogram which showed my arteries to be completely clear of obstacles. I was given a clean bill of health.
So was nine days too long to be in hospital? Well I found out that occasionally permission is given to patients to go home for the day and come back at night. This ensures you stay on the inpatient schedule for treatment. If I had gone home and waited for an outpatient appointment I would have had to wait for up to 3 months. In the event I was not given the option and settled in for the duration.
My stay may seem excessive, but the positive outcomes were
- A magnesium deficiency was sorted out
- I know my cholesterol count needs attention – LDL 1.9 which is good, but HDL at 4 needs to be reduced, preferably through nutritional adjustments, so reduce animal fat intake to begin with and ask for another blood test in say 3 months’ time.
- My arteries are clear so no need for stents, or a bypass
I was advised to consider taking Warfarin to reduce the possibility of bloodclots as a result of the worsening arrhythmia. However as I have had a brain haemorrhage Warfarin may trigger another. So there is a dilemma to be resolved, or not.
Kate Campbell, contributing author
We love Wine especially Pinot Grigio on a Sunny Day!
Pinot Grigio
The wine just slipped down so easily, no sharpness, clear white wine that we drank all afternoon. It was so good, and reminded me of hot sunny days in France, in the countryside, where I spent so many summers, so many years ago.
I bought it by chance from Virgin Wines when they had a week of specials and I splashed out on the Pinot Grigio, four bottles from the Piedmont area in Italy, four bottles from South Africa and four bottles from d’Arcana in Italy. They are so good I have decided to buy another case!
Can Rafols 2001
I also bought some Can Rafols 2001. Made with great care using no chemicals whatsover, this Spanish wine compares well with classic bordeaux and at £9.99 a bottle it has to be the best bargain going! In fact the six bottle cases sold out quickly. There were still some twelve bottle cases on the website when I looked today, have a look to see if there are any still available. We have until 2021 to drink it at its best! We can really spread it out – that would be roughly a bottle to celebrate every six months! – with fillet steak, sautéd onion, boiled new potatoes. Oh bliss!
2009 Bordeaux
There are still some cases of 2009 Bordeaux vintage wines, three bottles of four wines. Am tempted to buy some to put to one side … Yes, I’ll go for it! Good health!
Val Reynolds Brown, Editor
In Balance 